Book your baby sitter and get your cocktail dress from the cleaners, cause it looks like the Obama administration is very close to deciding when and where the trial of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, (the master mind behind the 911 attacks) will be held.

It’s like  the Oscars for terrorism!

At first, the plan was to have the trial take place in a civilian court in New York city. Due to political pressures and security risks, the trial will now be held in a Military court, the location is still unknown. Military judges will decided the fate of all the accused, while civilian lawyers are still invited to take place, however they must bring there own chairs.

I think the trial being held in a military or, Public civilian court is a waste of time and tax payers money. That’s why I propose a home trial, at my home. It’s a three bedroom, one bath and a huge kitchen of justice.  Hey  I might even take down the Jesus footsteps poster as to not impose my religious beliefs. MIGHT!

Let’s take a look at some of the awesome court room possibilities my home has to offer the trial of the century:

Possibility #1 Video games

If the idea of a regular court case bores you, then y0u need to look more exciting options. At my home we offer video games! Any juror could decide weather a man is innocent or guilt, just by the way he holds his duck hunt gun. Think about it.

Possibility #2 Bean Bag chair living room

Ok I don’t have enough for everyone in the press, but with  a little time and some money from the federal reserve, we can all be sitting like millionaires! Did some one say giant Baseball glove? Feel it catch your ass.

Possibility # 3 Bunk Beds

Just because a man is guilty of the biggest international terrorism plot ever, doesn’t mean he can’t have a slide on his bed. This is America damn it!

Possibility # 4  A stripper pole

This has no bearing on the trial, I just think it would make a nice addition to any home. Just say’n.

Possibility # 5 Snuggie for everyone!

You heard that right you S.O.B’s. Move the trial to my house and we’ll be all up in snuggie! Who wouldn’t want to be executed in comfort?

* and you can set your mind at easy with the safety of the trial, because all security has been completly taken care of as well.

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The Canadian woman’s hockey team pulled an upset last night shutting out the American team 2-0 and winning Olympic gold.

So why is everyone so upset?

Well after the impressive win, the team decided to celebrate said victory on the ice by drinking alcohol (with at least one member who was underage!!!!), smoking cigars, (I’m sure there was some laughing involved), while still being in uniform, with gold hanging around their necks all in public view.  My God Magnum.

After hearing about that mini apocalypse, I can picture the woman’s hockey teams celebratory rampage spilling into the streets of Vancouver continuing into the wee hours of the morning, tipping cars and smashing store fronts. In this bizzaro Olympic world  these Rampaging Ladies would attempt to impregnate the men’s ice dancing competitors but instead pass out at center ice after collapsing in the pant less human pyramid of death they formed. All of this while  still in uniform and with gold around their necks.

One representative of the IOC, stated “It’s not a good promotion of sport values”, and we all know what “good sport values are”…. That’s right, strategic product placement.  Some of you might be thinking “these women were just celebrating a hard earned victory which they deserve”  but we need to think about the children!  What about the impressionable minds of young girls every where,  who wake up early and train hard by eating McDonalds or buying  Chrysler 300’s  just so they can be like their Olympic hero’s?

Natural expression of emotion should not be tolerated. At least not in uniform right beside the RONA logo. The I.O.C needs to crack down and outline some new guide lines to help all athletes celebrate properly, allowing all of us to see “good promotion of sport values”.

A) No more liquor. In stead replace it with COKE, PEPSI, or Coconut Milk. If none of those suitable replacements can be found, try a frappe, MCDONALDS breakfast burrito.

B) Cigars not only smell, but are also phallic. Try lighting up one of BELLS new smart phones. I bet the 3G technology will help it burn smoothly.

C)  Cheering  is a big no no. It’s just a hop skip and a jump away from disorder. Can anyone say RBC? That’s right go to the Royal Bank of Canada and take out a loan! Yip-pie!!! (quietly)

D) High fives. OK this is bad. Who let the dogs out? What is wrong with pulling out your PANASONIC HD plasma screen and putting your hands on that? If it works for the poltergeist curling team it can work for everyone else.

E) Smacking on the butts. As Michelle Tanner would say “How Wude”. Here’s an idea…. grope each others VISA cards.

These are just a few ways to help your Olympic heros in there post celebration rituals allowing them to be a little less human, while helping to “promote sports values”.

Nothing makes my life more complete then reading desperate, upset, 2 o’clock in the morning facebook status updates full of personal information and not enough censorship.

“OH MY GOD I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD PERSON BUT I CANNOT TAKE THIS YEAST INFECTION!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE?!!! I SHOULD JUST PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD AND END IT ALL RIGHT NOW!!!

The Internet is still public right?

The problem these very public displays of insanity is that there needs to more of an understanding  of the audience reading them. These desperate scrib should keep the tragic notes short and punchy, update often, and hire a publicist. Here are a few more crucial steps that will keep people informed and entertained with every step of  your tragic soap oprea of a public  life.

1. Get to the point.

I never understand these depressing status updates that go on, and on, and on. I get it your dog got hit by a car, your daughter is pregnat and you have gum disease. Did you see what I did there? I got to the point. I said what I needed to say with precise, calculated wording that helps your reader skim through the tears and get to the meat of  your gothic note.

2. Buy  a thesaurus.

Nothing is worse then reading “I am so upset, I can’t believe how upset I am. It is very upsetting that this person I trusted could do this to me. I’m upset with the treatment”. Hey word smith, find a different word. I get it your upset. How about, “overwhelmed”, or “all torn up”, or even in “disarray”? It only takes a few seconds to get the thesaurus out, then you can go back to cutting yourself publicly.

3. TRY NOT TO ALWAYS  USE CAPS!!!

You are so miffed! Or over wrought, but you don’t need to be YELLING at your audience. Remember, you want them to come back and read the next sad and pathetic update so don’t isolate them with scary caps. A quiet suicide note is more effective then a loud one.  Save the yelling for when you have the person who put you in this state tied up and muffled in the trunk of your car.

4. !!!! will not help get you get your point across better

You’re out of your mind. The world has done you wrong, and you have the edge of the drano bottle at the tip of your lips…. However you don’t want to forget grammar. You’re a writer now and you owe it to your public to act like one. Just imagine if  Herman Melville had a dependency on the apostrophe? Moby Dick!!!!!! who would read that?

5. Emoticons. Emoticons. Emoticons

Before :”I hate this world and what it is doing to my sad life”  After: “I hate this world and what it is doing to my sad life ” Simple yet powerful.

So the next time you are writing your social networking suicide note, remember these few steps and before you know it you’ll be the JK Rowlings of way to much information on a social networking site.

Do you find your news stuffy and a bit too serious? It’s always bleek and depressing.  Well the radical people at fox news are about to change all that! (guitar sting)

Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly are shaking up this dead medium of information with their BOLD AND  FRESH   tour.  Speaking of Fresh and Bold, did you hear that C&C music factory sound a like blaring in that clip, as if to say ” ain’t yo Mamma’s Fox news comedy tour“?

I have to say nothing helps me take a news orginzation more seriously then when the two faces of said orginization head out on the road to do a comedy tour!  When I watch anchors report/give their opinion on the daily events including this economy where people are loosing their homes on a daily basis, the current state of Haiti, or the bloody war in Iraq, I can’t help but think why aren’t these very same anchors doing dick jokes  at a theater near me?

Hey if Jon Stewart  can poke fun at the media on Comedy Central (A channel that primarily deals with comedy) Why can’t Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck from Fox news (a Channel that claims to deal with news) do the same thing?

Being an idiot, I love comedy, right wing or left, that tells me how to think. This is why I love this Bold and Fresh tour! Nothing makes me laugh more then comedy that reassures my own opinions, because I’m not to sure about them myself. Forget Carlin, Rock, or Hicks, who share individual philosophies on society which generally give new insight into their subject matter, I’m not open enough for that, no thank you. I prefer to stay a moron who likes his humor a step above a Joe bazooka cartoon.

The real question is when are the other news networks putting on their comedy tours? I want to see Al Jazeera’s Jane Dutton bring her ‘Aunt flow news comedy tour” to a chuckle hut near me. How about BBC’s Ted Koppel waxing his ideas on how Puerto rican women will back you up in a fight, with his ‘Bad boys of network news comedy tour’.  So get on it news peoples, comedy it’s what we want with our news.

My Dearest Pat Robertson;

Hey Pat, Satan here. Pat I just wanted to say I am a huge fan!!! Normally I would have sent this hand written letter via email, however Hell only has dial up (hence the name hell), and most of our servers are tied up right now fiendishly torturing  innocent gmail accounts with promises of discounted medication.

I’m writing because I want to thank you for the shout out earlier this week, however as much as I’d like to, I can’t take responsibility for what has happened in Haiti. I’m more of a man-made tragedy kind of guy Ie: murder, rape, the second season of Hero’s.

You see Pat Earth quakes are a natural occurrence. The earth is made up of many layers including the core. The layer on top is called the crust, and the crust is divided into sections named  plates… Look at me with facts and logic,  I almost forgot who I was talking too. Pat, sweetie, Earth quakes occur when god  gets really really upset with man kind takes a temper tantrum and the force from his smashing berkenstock feet causes the earth to go boom fall down. I hope I didn’t hurt your head.

Again as much as I would like to take responsibility for the events in Haiti I can’t. Yes I did send the french in to enslave the island and yes I oppressed them, but lord knows I didn’t expect them to uprise, and be the only successful slave revolt in history. Well at least, not until I got the licensing rights. We were going to make a mint off t shirt sales.  These are a very strong ,  faith based people, who look for hope in the very same “God” that people like you use to milk them of there hard earned money. (See thats me at work)

But you know what makes you truly brilliant? The fact you have the balls of a large mountain goat to shamelessly get some publicity off of this tragedy, for you and your “ministry”. For that reason alone, Mr. Pat Robertson,  you make me look like a rank amateur.

Well Pat I simple must go. I’m extremely busy with my 17th annual celebrity  hell Golf  classic tournament featuring Hitler, Stalin and it’s rumored Dick Cheney might make an appearance!  So needles to say,  I have to get my horns did.  So until next tragedy…

Your Fan

Satan

Happy New Year everyone,

I haven’t written on this blog for a while, but I am back every single week now!… Mostly. I’ve missed so much over the last little bit. So much important news items and social concerns have flown under my radar for far  to long. Things like, Cleopatra’s heavy make up is good for the eyes….I did not know that! I feel so disconnected.

So many stories have flown by with out my unique journalistic stamp on them. Like Ukrainian Christmas. Those crazy egg painting bastards celebrate it way later then us! I believe the story goes as follows: Jesus was born on the 25th and we had a party, then some Ukrainians came by later that night, and shoved him back into Marys V jay jay for a whole extra month! (Or so the Ukrainian section of the bible preaches) I even missed that.

I’ve missed all the wonderful things Bill O Riley or Glenn Beck or any number of the top notch/sexy/loud/well informed reporters that dominate the reputable building that houses the wonderful fact finding Fox news. A building I might add which was built on an ancient  Stock holders meeting burial ground, and to this day is haunted by rich bottom line right wing ghosts who wander the halls making re writes to teleprompters adding there subliminal messages of  large corporation year end profit margin propaganda, with religious and race baiting fear.

Missing so much saddens me but, starting today and every Friday… unless i miss it… I will be on top of all of it… usually… When a celebrity dies don’t worry I will capitalize on that persons attention in my usual desperate attempt at getting more subscribers and hits to this crass and often mundane blog. When Fox news post a video blog with it’s deep  traditions and standers of yelling over guests, and crying on camera, I promise to be on top of it  right away… on average… I will be here every week… most of the time… with my delightful,  opinions on social issues and the news  each and every 7 days on the dot… If I have the time… This year I will run this blog like it should be, on the clock, and ready for your visual pleasure… no guarantees though… and that’s a promise from my family to yours… that’s not a promise…

Best Regards

Gavin “rarely on time” Stephens

OK Friday is the day, Bathurst st. Theater is the place, 8pm is the time. For what?

NERDGASM COMEDY SHOW

deluxe edition min con and after party

I’m going to be throwing down with Spectacular! Spectacular!  Debra DiGiovanni, Nile Seguin and more @ this Frack’n awesome event so come down and hang out (cheap booze)!

Here is a brief description of the show: NERDGASM is a stand up comedy spectacular unlike any other in Canada that celebrates not only the icons of nerd culture, but also the nerd experience.  Gathering together some of Toronto’s finest (and nerdiest) comedians for a night of esoteric, and intellectual  humor.  For a show this great, nothing less than a theatre would suffice. After the show ends at 10:00 we’ll be having our after party in the theatre. It’s more than just a comedy show, it’s an epic nerd Christmas frenzy with 500 people.

NERDGASM is produced in partnership with NOW Magazine, Amsterdam Beer, Silver Snail Comics, Pizzaiolo, The Nerd Girl Pinups, Toxic Avenger The Musical, Toronto Box Wars, and more to come. more info here

In the mean time have a little taste of Star Wars, Saul Bass style.

Star Wars vs. Saul Bass

This video is a clear  warning, from level head right wing talk radio, letting America know  what the left has in store for them, and that my friends is RAPE! …and hopefully another season of 30 rock, but then some more rape!

Apparently President Obama has plans to make rape legal. Personally it makes financial sense being that it’s obviously one of Americas major exports. According to these radio gurus, Obama will make his love of rape legal  by passing a law and calling it the  ”consumer something” (bill). God damn him and his confusing Harvard law jargon, speak to me in english Obama. ENGLISH!

And who knew illegal immigrants were killing police for sport? How fascinating,  I have so many questions. Like is it a solo or team event? Are they professionals, or amateurs? Has the sport of killing police been brought before the Olympic committee,  and if no why not? This would be an easy gold medal for  America, but knowing these rampant raping immigrants they’d probably use illegal enhancements and i just won’t stand for that in my sporting events  involving irrational murder.

However  what scares me most about this video is the fact that the Gay Mafia, is raping our kids. These flaming Goodfellas*  want nothing more than to destroy this wonderful life we’ve all built for our families. I don’t even have kids, but my sperm is terrified. I can feel them quaking in my ball sack. They have no interest in fertilizing any egg with the thought of the gay mafia waiting outside the womb in hospital gowns posing as nursing,  slipping roofies into their bottles of  formula. BADA BING!  That’s a world I don’t want to live in, and neither do they.

*There is a gay version of Joe Pesci, and Ray Liotta. Robert De Niro  plays himself in all mafias, including Black and Native American.

Conservative Pundits Stoke “Black Obama” Fear

I am so tired of people saying the right has a clear and supremacist  agenda when it comes to the President. So what if they never questioned any other President in history on their race ethics. So what if these kinds of discourse came up during Bush’s administration there would have been a call for there heads. That is not what this is about. This is a simple and honest conversation about a powerful black man and his thoughtless, uncaring way he makes these gentlemens penises feel  small. He has NO right!

“Obama has a real problem with race.” A statement spoken so clear, I’m sure we could have understood them even with their hoods on.

So, Micheal Jackson your new movie is called THIS IS IT, Can you tell us about it? ……. Ok. So where did the concept come from?….. A little tight lipped huh? Can you tell us anything about this film that we don’t know from the ads?  HA HA HA, of course you can’t you’re dead! * All joking aside, this was just a MOCK interview, I did not in fact interview Michael Jackson at his grave… but what if I could?

THIS IS IT is of course the movie based on Micheal Jackson’s would be concert, but is it also the sign of the times? Imagine for a moment in the foreseeable future a beautiful utopia,  where no man is forced to give himself his own hand job and the dead are product spokesmen.  Picture Kurt Cobain, TuPac, Elvis, Anna Nicole Smith, Chairman Mao Zedong, all of them selling everything from canned Fruit to luxury cars and the possibilities are limitless!

Most studies prove that  people are 10% more likely to be sympathetic towards your cause when you are retarded and then when you are normal healthy person. However that percentage jumps up  20% when you are undead! (30% for an undead retard) This only means profit margins through the roof for corporations.

In the future we will all have no problem welcoming these lifeless pitchmen  into our homes with there trinkets and toys. Allowing them to show us the remarkable usefulness of their devices, (while keeping them away from our brains) Rotting fleshed Kenny Rogers gurgling out the benefits of owning your very own snuggly, Or a half – faced Zombified Elizabeth Taylor desperately holding her arm in the socket in fear it drops off while demonstrating the ab roller ?

Companies are steps away from making this mummy world of advertising possible. In just a few years you will see GE, Sony, and Parimount just to name a few, sponsoring celebrities funerals, with logos on there caskets like morbid wooden NASCAR’s. Then as the famous cross over, all of damned floating on the river styx will get a good view at how much money could have saved if they switched their car insurance.  This trend in marketing is as natural and as earth friendly as napalm, and it’s only a matter of time before the advertising  apocalypse will be on your door step.

* Disclaimer